"How to leave your husband"
Though the impulse to flee immediately may be strong, patience and quiet financial planning will pay in the long run.
Digg This By MP Dunleavey
Yes, this is seriously on the front page of MSN.
Your marriage is crumbling, and you know it. You dread staying another minute. How do you leave?
Slowly, carefully and counting every dime, says Violet Woodhouse, a divorce lawyer in Newport Beach, Calif.
"When the emotional drive to leave is so strong that you just want out, you need to step back," Woodhouse says. "You're not being rational at that point, and it can damage you financially." The financial damage is what you need to worry about... this is the most important thing.
Take the time -- two to six months -- to plan an exit strategy that will protect your financial security. Surviving divorce is misery enough; you don't want to suffer unnecessary financial hardship on top of it. I still can't believe I'm reading this.
Beat the odds Woodhouse remembers a client who came to her hoping to leave her husband immediately. "She wanted to file then and there," says Woodhouse, the author of "Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Decisions During Divorce.""I told her that made no sense. She had two kids to think about. I said she had a lot more work to do." Best advice I ever heard - Ms. Client, you need to take a deep breath and step back a minute and stop thinking about yourself. Your kids are very vulnerable right now. They need love. They won't be able to understand what's happening between you and Daddy. You need at least 35% more money from Daddy to make this worthwile for your kids. After all, this is about their future, you know. They need Daddy's pocketbook.
Prepare quietly Here's what to do:
Keep it to yourself. In a pre-divorce situation, there is a fine line between deception and self-preservation. Though you may intend to leave, Woodhouse cautions against telling your spouse before you are prepared. "It would create a great deal of turmoil," she says.
That's sneaky.
Sneaky? Maybe, but the end of a marriage can easily turn into a financial and emotional train wreck if you're not careful. To leave on the best possible financial footing, with the lowest risk of sudden punitive action by your spouse, keep your plans to yourself until you are strong enough and secure enough to walk away.
If your decision is firm, your next step is to get the advice of a lawyer who specializes in divorce. A less expensive option: hiring a paralegal. (Also see divorce360.com's legal guide.)
When it's time, read "Asking for a divorce? What to say."
Open a separate bank account. You will need to start saving whatever you can, as soon as you can. Any funds you take from a joint account, Woodhouse says, you must disclose later during the divorce process. Tapping a joint account "should be a last resort," says Woodhouse -- one that you take just before you leave.
Copy documents. Before you leave, make copies of every document you can find, from account statements to tax returns to mortgage documents to certificates of ownership to warranties on your appliances. "Do not attempt to determine a document's relevance or importance," Woodhouse says. "You don't know what might come in handy later."
You may even want to hire a professional to make a copy of the hard drive of your home computer and photograph certain personal belongings or valuables. These steps can help protect you if money goes missing during the settlement process.
Figure out your future finances Karen Kerbaugh, an administrative assistant in Haltom City, Texas, got married in 1996, "and from almost the first month I realized I had made a grave mistake in marrying him," she says.
Although she wasn't deliberately planning to leave at first, in hindsight, she says, "I was subconsciously plotting my escape."
Here is Kerbaugh's hard-won advice, based on what she did and what she wishes she had done:
Create a detailed budget of your post-divorce life. What will your new expenses be? Where will you live, what will you drive, how much will child care cost? Where can you cut back? Although Kerbaugh made sure she could handle all the big expenses (rent, car payment, utilities), she says, "I didn't know the fine art of budgeting." If that's you, read "5 steps to total financial control" and see MSN Money's Learn to Budget Decision Center.
Know how you will earn the income you need (more on that below).
Establish a credit record apart from your spouse. If you don't have a credit card in your own name, now is the time to get one. Read "9 ways to build credit from scratch." Request a copy of your credit report; you are entitled to one free copy per year from each of the three credit bureaus at the government-run AnnualCreditReport.com. Review it carefully and fix any errors. If your score is below 620, read "Beef up your credit score in 5 steps."
Muster support on the side. "While I didn't talk openly about the troubles we were having, my close friends and family knew enough about what was going on to be there for me when I needed it," Kerbaugh says. She ended up staying with a friend for a month after she left her husband.
Make sure to budget for savings, retirement and possibly your child's college plan, says Galia Gichon, a financial planner in New York and the author of "My Money Matters."
"In a settlement, you're entitled to half the retirement accounts, but many women forget that they must continue saving -- or they don't realize that they aren't saving enough," Gichon says.
Aim for 10% or more of your gross pay. If that's too high, save whatever you can.
Where will your money come from? Try not to borrow. Divorce is expensive, not just because of lawyer fees and court costs but also because the price of starting a new life is often higher than you think.
"You have to think through where you're going to get the money," Woodhouse says.
Most women who leave a spouse or partner end up borrowing from friends or family, using credit cards or tapping into savings or some other asset.
Though borrowing from someone you know is probably cheaper than using a credit card, it's still debt. It's preferable to use savings, if you can -- again, your own, not joint assets. (Woodhouse says to avoid cashing in investments because of tax complications.)
Boost your income. Once you establish how much you need to live, decide whether you can earn enough to cover it. This is especially important if you've spent a year or more out of the work force, Woodhouse says, or if you have to find a new job.
Daphne, a reader on the Women in Red message boards, advises taking any classes you need, sprucing up your résumé and buying a new suit or briefcase before you leave so that you pay for these things from joint funds.
In other words, use as much of your husband's money as you can before you leave him.
Woodhouse recommends sending out feelers to see how much your skills fetch in the market today or at another company. "You have to be realistic," she says.
Don't count on alimony. Should you factor alimony or child support into your potential income stream? Going by the odds alone, that's a dicey proposition and may be more so given the economy.
"You have to assess your risk," Woodhouse says. "Look at who you're married to, how reliable they are, what their attitude is. Then decide whether you can count on them giving you any money."
If you're the primary breadwinner, you could be the one paying alimony.
Don't give up Last, as daunting, time-consuming, convoluted and unappealing this preparation may seem, it's worth it, Kerbaugh says.
"If you take the same determination that you were once willing to expend on your failed relationship and apply it to living by yourself," she says, "you will succeed."
God bless your kids, though.
